Sunday, January 23, 2011

Me And My Endless Insecurities

I am summoning the vestiges of my energy as I write this. I have been undergoing conventional non-pharmacological, old folks-approved treatment for my fibrocystic disease. Since a part of me abhor the idea of my skin being sliced into ribbons, i chose the non-invasive way of treating this bodily problem.

I absolutely loathe diseases of any kind. Back when I was still in school, I kind of liked the idea of skipping classes because of cramps or headache. But that's mainly because I can watch Doraemon and Detective Conan and avoid the teachers that have the uncanny ability to make me shrink in absolute terror. These days, with all the things that will surely pile up if I so much as skip a day of work, being sick is something I can ill-afford. I hope this blasted illness will go away for good.

Moving on. These are the photos Myk has managed to take last Saturday. To be honest, I wasn't too psyched over the idea of posting these photos. I didn't like a lot of things. I hate my limp, two-toned hair. I was supposed to have a Tae Yeon-inspired hair style this day. Unfortunately, there was a whole day power interruption and I didn't get a chance to crimp my hair. I also hate my pudgy-looking cheeks and nose. I hate my wolfish grin. I hate my in-your-face eye bags. The list goes on and on.

And then it hit me.

When have I started to hate myself because of the way I look? When have I patterned my standards to those of what I see on loobook, chictopia, fashion blogs and fashion magazines? The truth is, I have been working so hard to be on that level. Now I realized I have lost a big part of who I really am in the process. And that's when I started to pick on myself and relentlessly find faults.

How utterly pathetic.

Starting today, I'm going to post photos and write blog entries that depict the good and the bad side of me. To hell with pleasing others and gaining more followers. The whole blogging business is all about unleashing that part of you that you don't usually let the rest of the world see on a daily basis. There's no sense posting things that you think others might appreciate if you yourself don't really appreciate it.

Starting today, I am going to get down to the root of blogging. If that means I'm going to post more of my two-toned hair, my pudgy nose and cheeks and my wolfish grin, then so be it.

I am going to stop being pressured into looking pristine and perfect. I can't be those things. It's sad that I wasted a lot of my time trying to be those things. Forgive my blunder. I am only human.

I'm going to blog about the things I love. Mundane things. Ugly things. Pretty things. Photos of me. Photos of Myk. Photos of my unconventional family. Photos of my closest friends. Photos of my amateur textile work. You get the picture.

Okay, short self-indulgent speech ends here.

I wore my hand-made polka-dotted bow tie. I found it so freakin' adorable that I didn't want to take it off. The whole ensemble looked so preppy. This blue striped blazer finally had a chance to shine. I have been keeping it in my closet for a few weeks now. I thrifted this last year for only 30 php! Arguably my cheapest find!

Before 2010 ended, I hoarded a lot of blazers, and polka-dotted stuff, and dresses. And now that spring (I delude myself into thinking that we have spring season here in the Philippines) is just around the corner, I have to unearth my floral stuff and push my thick blazers and cardigans to the back part of my burgeoning closet.

I'm planning to wear DIY floral clothes too. Crossing my fingers that they won't end up looking tacky.

My eyelids are literally closing now so I am going to take mercy on you and save you the needless boredom of having to read my rants.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend! Look forward to a happy, negativity-free week, yeah?


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